Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
