there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
