Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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