Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
