someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
