I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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