I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
