I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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