Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
