I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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