You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
