And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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