when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
