3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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