i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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