your parents love me but you hate me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
