That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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