I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
