you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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