Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
