I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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