sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
