Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize