I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
