When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
