false alarm. still invincible.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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