Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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