All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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