is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
