I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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