That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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