we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
