everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
