Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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