My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
