Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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