Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Couch. On fire.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
