Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize