hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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