I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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