I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
