no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize