ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
