We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
