Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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