My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
