I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize