Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
