Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize