Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
