remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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