if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
