God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
