im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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