When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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