And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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