Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How does one acquire holy water?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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